What to do if you are thinking about suicide
Alive everyday. Sure the lungs work naturally but to actually breathe freely without this elephant sitting on your chest that is what I am talking about. I used to say weight on the chest but what What to do if you are thinking about suicide as ‘’Suicide’’ is the ultimate way to be escaped. Where you can go to when all seems and feels hopeless. Most often, I think about killing myself at least twice a day or more if I am feeling really hurt as well as hopeless. Pain is another reason why I think about suicide. Most often my heart ask me what to do if you are thinking about suicide. Pain can be either physical or mental to me. These days it’s mental. I do not like myself. I thought myself to the degree I would rather be dead than live this way. I hate the way I search. I hate the way my body is. I am not so good to look at and disgusting. No one can tell me otherwise. My doctor says that I have a form of body dysmorphic disorder because I think myself so. It’s just another reason to suicide. Another reason why I think about suicide to end my painful life.
Yet despite all this thoughts and self-hating and pain, I’m still alive. I’ve chalked up a date to kill myself. But then my heart ask me about ‘’what to do if you are thinking about suicide’’I have decided that 30 years of living is long enough, or close to it anyways. I try not to think about it I try to think of now and live but it’s just too damn hard when you are to force yourself to be is that exactly. Not very accurate visually. Unless you have been to a gym and know what a weight is and looks like, most people don’t know. An elephant is easier to visualize and imagine better.
Right now I am at a café in a bookstore in my university campus. I bet no one knows that I am suicidal and why I think about suicide. They just see a guy writing in a notebook, drinking a lime soda. That’s the main reason what kills me. The invisibility of this fact is all. These thoughts are only for mine, unless I speak of it like I am doing now. No one knows. Nobody knows except my doctor (therapist and psychiatrist). Sometimes guilt will make me not want to commit suicide. I feel worse because I have worked with these caregivers for more than a decade. MY psychiatrist I have worked with for almost two decades. Yet I don’t but do care how they will react to my thought of suicide. Will their attitudes ever be changed? Will they deny seeing other clients who are like mine? Most will.
My doctor still keeps saying I am the exception not the rule. But I am tired of living in constant misery. Miseries those only the blog world knows about. I can’t share my miseries with others because I have become rooted deeply to keep it to myself. I keep it to myself so as not to worry my friends and family members. They can’t understand me anyways. My family is not one of openness. I am not blaming them for how I grown up. I don’t blame friends too but myself for my suicidal thoughts. It’s my fault. Maybe if I got help sooner I wouldn’t be this way but that isn’t clear, it took me twelve years of therapy to realize that the root of my suicidal thought was. I was suicidal since I was eight. It wasn’t because I was abused though I have been by multiple family members but not at that ago. Suicide just came to me at that ago and has been with me ever since. I didn’t like myself back then anymore than I do now. But it was because of reasons I had not thought of. Reasons I could not pronounce distinctly like I can now as an adult. I realized I was a girl and I didn’t like it. I developed into one hated it. But I couldn’t say anything to anyone, not even to my best friend because back then you just didn’t say what you felt or what you thought about. I would have fallen on deaf ears and it’s not like psychiatry/psychology is like it is in present . I have always felt like an alien or outcast would have further set me into outcast land. Just like when I thought I was a homosexual, I thought of suicide. I felt like I was severely psychotic liking another person. Again I didn’t say anything to anybody, not even my doctor at the time because I was afraid of being admitted to the hospital. I already had a few by this point. But I met a fellow inpatient that showed me it was ok to be gay and I’m grateful for that.
My therapist now does what she can for helping me accept being a transgender but part of me always wonders whether one day she will have me committed for these thoughts. And I don’t mean the suicidal ones.
Why am I not in the hospital if I am suicidal for long time? Because I’m not active suicidal. If I was in hidden danger to myself, like I was going to do it right this second, at this moment, I would be admitted to hospital, probably against my will.
But at this stage I just feel like my telling my providers I’m suicidal is like me crying wolf. I’ve said this so many times I don’t really think anyone believes I will kill myself. Hell I don’t even feel like I will act on it. I want so much to die and though I have made active plans to kill myself, I am still here. I have not attempted in several years now. At this point I wish it could be just a wish that I could be killed myself at anytime. Most often I wish I lived in the times of the Ancient Greeks where if you constantly asked for permission, eventually you were granted permission and “permitted” to kill yourself with hemlock. Now the governments of most societies say it’s all part of mental disorder and every single life should be saved. Now do you see why I am not active on my suicide thoughts. I have to keep them secret afraid of commitment. But a hospital admission is not what I need. Being six feet under and pushing up daisies is what I desire. That is exactly what I want.
Somehow between my last “activities” seven years ago, I lost my lethality. I lost the will to kill myself truly. Even though I wish to be dead on a regular basis, don’t get me wrong, I have no will so to speak to truly act on my feelings anymore. I lost the severity of my constriction, my narrow minded thinking. As a result I am still alive though I desperately wish I was dead.if you have any better idea about what to do if you are thinking about suicide then feel free to share in comment box
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